Finding proper meaningful friendships as a man is not easy! I don’t mean the kind of mates you nod to at the pub or the ones you text once in a blue moon for a pint. I’m talking about real, meaningful connections. Those rare relationships where you feel understood, where you can have a laugh, a cry (yes, boys, it’s allowed), and a genuinely honest conversation.

As we get older, life seems to conspire against deep friendships. Work commitments, family priorities, and simply the inertia of adulthood make it all too easy to settle for shallow connections. And if you’ve recently moved to a new area—or even a new country—cultivating lasting friendships might feel like an Olympic feat. But let’s be real: life without these relationships can get lonely, and we all deserve mates we can truly count on.

So, how does an adult man build meaningful friendships today? Here are some unspoken tips that might just help you break down those walls and create connections that matter.

1. Ditch the Armour: Embrace Vulnerability Early On

Let’s start with the elephant in the room. Society tells men to be stoic, invulnerable, and unfazed. But that’s absolute rubbish if you want to cultivate real friendships. Meaningful connections don’t thrive on tough facades. They’re built on shared experiences, empathy, and, yes, a good dose of vulnerability.

When you meet someone who seems like a potential friend, don’t hold back too much. Share a bit of yourself beyond the usual banter. You don’t have to dive into your deepest traumas right away, but drop the armour just enough to show that you’re a real person. Talk about things that genuinely interest you, or even a challenge you’ve faced recently. It lets the other person know you’re open to more than just surface-level chat, and they’ll often respond in kind.

2. Be Willing to Pursue Your Interests Alone First

If you’re new to a city or country, you’re going to have to take the initiative to get out there, even if it feels awkward. Go to a sports club, join a class, sign up for a local event, or volunteer. The trick here is to find something you genuinely enjoy. When you’re doing something you love, it’s much easier to connect with like-minded people naturally.

Going alone might feel uncomfortable at first, but remember that many people at these gatherings are also looking to meet others. Being new to an area can actually be a conversation starter. Introduce yourself with a little humour, like, “I’ve just moved here and decided it’s time to get out and meet some proper locals. Any advice?” This vulnerability and willingness to step out of your comfort zone can be disarming in the best way and help you meet people on a deeper level.

3. Invest in the ‘Follow-Up’

One of the biggest mistakes people make when trying to make friends is leaving interactions at a ‘nice to meet you’ and never taking it further. Friendships aren’t made from one-off encounters; they’re built over time and through repeated connections. If you’ve had a good chat with someone, follow up—send a message saying it was good to meet them, or suggest grabbing a coffee or a beer sometime.

This step might feel a bit forced initially, especially if you’re not used to it, but follow-up is essential. The other person is likely just as hesitant or busy, and a small nudge from you can bridge the gap between ‘acquaintance’ and ‘friend.’

4. Be Consistent, Even When It’s Inconvenient

When building a friendship, consistency is key. Real bonds form when you make time for each other, even if it’s not always the most convenient thing in the world. Too often, we wait until we have ‘enough time’ to catch up with a friend. But the reality is, life is busy. Making an effort to catch up, even for a quick coffee, shows that you value the relationship.

In practical terms, this could mean committing to meeting up once a month or even having a standing plan to grab lunch every other week. Whatever works for both of you—just make it regular. And if you can’t make it? Don’t ghost—reschedule. Your effort will speak volumes.

5. Learn the Art of Listening

Let’s be honest; most people love to talk about themselves. But if you really want to break past the superficial and connect with someone, learn to be a good listener. Give your full attention when they’re speaking, ask questions, and remember what they’ve shared. It’s a rare and powerful quality, and people will remember you for it.

When your new friend sees that you’re genuinely interested in what they have to say, it creates a level of trust that can deepen the bond. Listening is one of those underrated qualities that sounds simple but can make a world of difference in forming meaningful connections.

6. Don’t Shy Away from Deep Conversations

The ‘lad’ culture can sometimes limit us to chats about work, sports, and the occasional gripe about life. But if you want real friendships, be prepared to go deeper. Don’t be afraid to bring up personal topics, discuss philosophy, or talk about the things you’re passionate about. Real friendships thrive when they have substance, so don’t limit conversations to predictable topics.

If you’re comfortable talking about your own dreams, struggles, and fears, your friends will feel more comfortable sharing theirs. And there’s something incredibly freeing about being able to speak openly without fear of judgement.

7. Recognise that True Friendship is a Mutual Effort

Here’s a simple truth: if you’re the one constantly putting in the effort and never seeing the same in return, it might not be the friendship you’re looking for. True friends value each other’s time and presence, and they make an effort to keep the connection alive. Friendship is a two-way street; both people need to be willing to reach out, make plans, and show up.

If you find someone who reciprocates your efforts, you’re onto something good. If not, it might be worth moving on and focusing your energy elsewhere.

8. Don’t Be Afraid to Break the Ice on the “Vulnerability” Talk

As men, there’s often an unspoken rule to avoid anything that might seem too ‘soft.’ But here’s a little tip: if you feel a budding friendship with someone, break the ice on being vulnerable in small doses. You might be surprised at how many men are yearning for a friendship that allows them to talk about their real lives, their challenges, and their victories.

It could be as simple as saying, “You know, I don’t have a lot of mates I can talk about this stuff with, so I appreciate it.” You’ll be amazed at how this one comment can create a level of trust and mutual respect that forms the basis for a strong friendship.

9. Seek Out “Third Spaces”

A “third space” is somewhere that isn’t work or home—a neutral ground where you can meet new people and forge new connections. It could be a gym, a local coffee shop, or even a community garden. These spaces are where friendships are often born because there’s a shared routine and a sense of belonging that naturally lends itself to familiarity.

Regularly spending time in a third space allows you to organically get to know people without the pressure of formal introductions or forced conversations. It’s a natural, comfortable way to get past the initial awkwardness of meeting someone new.

Friendship Doesn’t Have an Expiration Date

It’s never too late to build meaningful friendships. Moving to a new area or growing older can feel like obstacles, but they’re also opportunities. The truth is, as we age, we know ourselves better and can be more selective with the people we invite into our lives. Real friendship might take a bit more work as an adult, but the payoff is well worth it. Life is simply better with mates who understand you, support you, and, most importantly, make you laugh.

So, take the initiative, reach out, and be open to the people who cross your path. In a world that often feels fast-paced and isolating, remember this: it’s the deep, genuine friendships that keep us grounded. And those bonds? They’re worth every bit of the effort.